meet the blogger
LAYER ONE: THE OUTSIDE
- name: (NOPE SORRY)
- eye color: Blue I guess…
- hair style/color: Generally just short, thinking about growing it out a bunch but it starts feeling icky after a while and then becomes problematic and off it goes! (Also: No beard will grow on these barren lands of chin, dangit.)
- height: 175 cm
- clothing style: Outside - Sneakers, jeans, t-shirt, zipperhoodie/jacket (when cold/rain hits hard)
- best physical feature: My teeth are alright I guess? (also small personal pride on my thighs because cycling commute yeeeaaaah)
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- your fears: Big things waiting in the dark, pitch-black darkness itself, unknown/ownerless dogs, NEEDLES!, wrists/insides of arms getting cut, death, procrastination
- your guilty pleasure: (I could put the thing with the cute clothes here… maybe… hmmmmmm…)
- ambitions for the future: Knowing ALL THE THINGS about insects and making a career out of it, not being a fuckup and to stop procrastinating EVERYTHING
LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- your first thoughts waking up: getupgetupgetupgetupgetupgetupgetupgetoutofyourdamnbedthisalarmisdrivingmeNUTSaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhokimawake!
- what you think about most: I should be doing something… But I don’t wanna… What was it I was supposed to be doing again?
- what you think about before bed: Please don’t have to pee now… PLEASE! Also that thing you thought about briefly earlier? Yeah that, good luck trying to fall asleep, dork. The universe’s secrets need to be unraveled right here and now!
- you think your best quality is: I can appear to be a normally functioning social human being for up to half an hour (depending on the people around me).
LAYER FOUR: WHAT’S BETTER?
- single or group dates: What are dates?
- to be loved or respected: I don’t really care much, honestly, as long as I’m not alienated/shat on.
- beauty or brains: "Smart" isn’t easy to define, neither is "beauty". So yeah, whatever puts together a cool human being is totes ok.
- dogs or cats: More toward cats, though I’m much more partial to insects and reptiles, fish too.
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU.
- lie: Often, mostly to myself.
- believe in yourself: eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
- believe in love: Yet to experience it for real, but I think I’ll recognize it when it happens. So yeah, it be real.
- want someone: Anyone? Anyone.
LAYER SIX: EVER?
- been on stage: As a kid, a few times. Not my natural habitat.
- done drugs: Tried to do an inhaley-thingy from a green cig once, coughed for two weeks. Does alcohol count?
- changed who you were to fit in: I don’t even know who I am for real.
LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- favorite color: Blues of all kind, especially with cool accents (black/white work, but also orange and yellows).
- favorite animal: Jumping Spider!
- favorite movie: Anything by Jean-Pierre Jeunet, anything by Guillermo Del Toro, also The Cabin In The Woods, Chronicle, Iron Man, Serenity, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, Paprika, Tekkonkinkreet, Ghost In The Shell… I could go on for a while…
- favorite game: Skyrim, Warframe, BioShock, coupla Indies games too. In terms of media I don’t really have any solid favorites…
- favorite book: John Dies At The End, The Road, Cloud Atlas, A Song Of Ice And Fire. I like different things for different reasons, makes choosing a favorite very hard.
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- day your next birthday will be: Saturday.
- how old will you be: 21, I guess?
In short, what people often describe as “homophobia/transphobia/xenophobia” is either a learnt process or a willfull choice. I’ve yet to see someone freak the fuck out and climb a lamp-post when they run into someone who’s attracted to their own gender/sex, has a different skintone, or looks like the sex they’re biologically the opposite of.
I’m still so very angry at words like homophobia, transphobia and xenophobia.
A phobia is a compulsion. In science, when something is hydrophobe, it literally CAN NOT BE AROUND WATER except if (great) force is applied.
A person suffering from a real phobia, for example arachnophobia (the most well-known one, though there are phobias for pretty much anything, including stuff like buttons), will be sent into a sheer uncontrollable panic attack when confronted with the subject of their phobia, this is not something they can control and sometimes it can’t ever be overcome.
Choosing to hate a group of people for certain attributes (in case of trans- and homophobia these “attributes” are often not even visible from a distance), and then misinterpreting, or willfully covering yourself with a “fear” of these people you dislike is not in any way related to phobia. It’s a choice to hate people. And the words you use to justify that choice are complete and utter bullshit.
Gen 1 Pokemon styled sprites of the Angels from Evangelion!
I barely know how to accurately describe this but when I was younger and I’d get an intense fever (which was like once every 5-8 weeks) I’d sometimes enter a hallucinatory state where my mind interpreted words and thoughts as puffy, wet, doughy objects, like giant swollen pasta shapes, which I felt as if I was digging through with extremely tiny hands in my own head. At the center of these gross blobs were…
I once had a really terrible fever during idek what kind of illness (like fucking malaria bad) and everywhere I went, anytime I had to walk, I’d get this almost audibly buzzing, frustrating feeling in the back of my head as I tried to process a shape that was both large and small, infinite in both directions.
It was really weird and hard to explain but I’d imagine a shape almost mechanical (a box or block of “metal” and some kind of shell or wiring) and it would be vibrating and condensing but its vibrations would expand outward, like on every shaking stretch it would be further away from its starting point. Yet on every shake inward, every relaxed shrink, it would be smaller and denser. And like? I knew that it was denser? I didn’t really grasp “mass” yet but I understood that the object hadn’t changed weight or mass but it was so fucking heavy and small and moving violently and it was really upsetting because I could feel the image buzzing and it was like I couldn’t look away.
I dunno it was really upsetting at the time, but I barely remember those two weeks at all. I couldn’t walk and I would throw up every thirty minutes and I wound up in a hospital screaming that I didn’t “want to be taken away”.
Fevers are the best drug, apparently
I’ve had them like this too, harsh metallic concepts and sensations of terrifyingly vast, ongoing or impossible structures and patterns.
Sometimes the patterns on the walls, floor or bedsheets would also feel like they were overwhelmingly more and more complex to the point child-me was screaming at them to stop.
Nobody really ever takes advantage of this screwed-up synesthetic stuff when writing the paranormal but I imagine encountering alien or supernatural forces would be a lot like fucked-up synesthetic episodes.
Holy shit that last one sounds so much like the memory I had of being hella ill. I clearly remember lying in bed being barely conscious but not able to sleep because everything, and I mean everything I saw, touched and heard, seemed to be infinitely more complex in texture and being than it could possible be in “reality”. The only way I can (poorly) describe it, is as if everything was somehow sharp and full of spikes…
This must’ve been when I was 7 or 8, though I had a faint version of this state occur again sometime in the last 2-3 years, can’t remember exactly when but I was terrified.
It’s always great to know you’re not alone in experiencing shit like this.
And yeah there’s definitely some good material in that kind of state-of-being-sick for scifi/horror stuff.
Fire Kites at Night