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Posts tagged: Films


I mean uh… Like the dark review…? FUCK IT. Nirdian’s shitty reviews is back from the dead with a chip on its shoulder and-… HOLY SHIT THAT BACKLOG FUCKING RUN! RUN YOU FOOLS!


Maleficent - Starting with this one because hey, you can still go see it in the cinema and also it’s fresh in my mind, so hah! Shitload of other films to follow if you want to read more of my trainwreck-worthy reviews, though. ANYWAY! Let’s begin! So after the big “meh” that was Frozen (which nonetheless won an Oscar and beat out fucking Miyazaki, of all people, through the power of nepotism!), Disney returns strong with none other than Angelina Jolie. You know, the amazingly badass woman who dominated the silver screen with her stunning visage and “not-taking-any-of-your-shit” attitude through most of the 90s and early 00s. She’s gotten a cheekbone upgrade in this film and is also (in one scene) assisted by her adorable little munchkin of a daughter, because all the other little girls were too afraid of the FEARSOME MALEFICENT! And they had every right to be. Besides Jolie there’s quite a number of other stellar performances (I was surprised to see Sharlto Copley play in a fantasy film, but hey, it works!) and the acting and casting overall is very, very well done. A small round of applause for the nameless knight who gets a bunch of screen-time, lines and stuff-to-do and is a POC, we don’t see that too often and he’s not a token-character either. Good work there! Next up: Visual Effects and Aesthetics. Ok, granted, we’ve been spoiled. Like little fat kids with rich, but, incapable parents. Visuals nowadays often look so damn amazing, that when they’re ever just a liiiiitle bit off, we notice. And notice I did, the visuals are good, hella good even, but better ones exist, and so we notice (eugh). The aesthetics and design and just out-of-this-world though, landscapes, critters, costumes (augh, my poor heart melts for Maleficent’s wardrobe alone!), lighting, angle-of-shooting, and overall filming are top-notch and thoroughly enjoyable. The 3D doesn’t add much, but also doesn’t bring the movie down either. Oh and the action-scenes are GORGEOUS! (the climactic scene is something I want hanging on the ceiling over my bed, if you’ve seen the film, you probably know which exact frame I mean, a window’s involved and it’s AWESOME). Story: Decent. The revenge element which is the basis is a bit iffy for THE GRAND MALEFICENT maybe, but it works and keeps the movie on the tracks. The only thing that brought this movie down for me was the fact that it doesn’t quite manage to get a grip on its tone. From one hard cut to another we switch from giddy comedy and laughs to brutal seriousness and sinisterness, which is not really something you adjust all that well to. As a whole both sides work together well enough though, they should’ve just spent a little bit more time fine-tuning the scene-shifts to keep the tone in line. Overall… Maleficent is good, very good even. Suitable for families, still thoroughly enjoyable for lone adults. If I’d have to give it a grade, I’d say something like 8/10. Not the best, but my god if it wasn’t worth the watch!

And now, onto like all the shit I’ve watched since "Gravity".

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I’m gonna fucking treat myself tonight! Maleficent is going to be watched and then Among The Sleep is going to be played.

Aw yeeeee!


Harold Clayton Lloyd

(April 20, 1893 – ∞)

"My character symbolized something important. I symbolized the little, struggling man, working at menial types of jobs…. He was really no different from anybody else. But he did things that other people would like to have done."

2014 Movies I wanna watch (now that I’m rambling anyway):

- The Wolf Of Wall Street

- All Is Lost

- The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty (probably still 2013, but w/e)

- Her

- The LEGO Movie (I’m starting to get more and more and more and more excited about this film and I DON’T QUITE KNOW WHY!)

Because Studying Genetics Is Fucking Hard: A bunch of shitty movie reviews by tumblr user Nirdian!

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to- … Actually. Let’s just get on with this. Tumblr user Nirdian watched a bunch of things and here are some of his thoughts on those things, from (shitty) memory and probably spoiler-free:


The World’s End - The last part of the infamous “Cornetto Trilogy”, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost & Co. once again make the English countryside lethally unsafe. I enjoyed this film. Thoroughly. It was a fun, fun film with again lots of cool foreshadowing and good humor while still staying relatively tense and well-paced. As a “grand finale” to a “trilogy” it sadly kind of pales in comparison to Shaun Of The Dead and Hot Fuzz. Still good though, just didn’t live up to my personal hype and that was a bit sad.

Space Jam - Lauded as the best film ever by tumblrites all around… as far as I’m aware. And my god it’s hilariously shitty. There’s bad movies, yeah? And then there’s movies so bad they become good, and THEN there’s movies that go too far and go bad again and THEN there’s Space Jam. Or maybe after a few more cycles. I don’t know. However. it’s definitely on the “Oh wow that’s shit, but heh, kinda funny. ” side of things. It also feels like all the 90s awkwardness condensed into one single proto-CGI-abomination of a film. But hey. It’s not… technically… uh, bad.

The Mummy Returns - Better CGI than Space Jam. Beside that, eh, highly forgettable, super mediocre. It’s watchable. The Rock should’ve had more screen-time.

Gravity - When I first saw the trailers and posters for this film… It did not touch me in any way. I just didn’t care, at all. I mean, Sandra Bullock and George Clooney in space. Oh. Ok. … And THEN I found out that the Director is the brilliant dude that created the marvel of film that is Children of Men, Alfonso Cuarón. And at the same time I was bombarded from all sides by “HOLY SHIT GRAVITY IS COOL!”. Normally I would disregard other people’s excitement. But Cuarón’s name on it changed things. And my god was I glad I saw it. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt the best experience I’ve ever had in a cinema. Easily the best film of 2013 (sorry Pacific Rim, I still love you too!), maybe even of the last decade. It’s new, fresh, and grips you by the neck and doesn’t let go until the very end. Plus: THE 3D WAS ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD AND REALLY COOL! If it’s still playing somewhere nearby, GO WATCH NAO.

O’Horten - And now for something completely different. O’Horten is about a Norwegian train-… what’s the word? Driver? Machinist?
A dude that makes the train move, anyway, who is about to go into pension(ship?) after half a lifetime of driving trains. Uh… That’s really all I can describe about it, the premise. The rest is a bizarre yet very endearing adventure in and around the Norse capital (to my great joy I recognised a good many places I’ve been). I’d compare it to some of Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s work. The message is, I think (!) “Life is a weird thing. It can be very sad. But hey, it can also be pretty cool!” Also it’s very typically Norwegian in many ways and that’s great.

Nord - Another great and bizarre Norwegian film. Not focused on a city, but rather on the strange and vast Norwegian countryside (also very snowy). Can’t really think of any mood to compare it to… But it’s a hella fun film about human nature and, again, Norway.

The Help - Haven’t read the book (might still some day). But this is a good film regardless. Set during the early 60s, it manages to illustrate the segregation and racism still very much present at that time in pretty… Pretty is the wrong word here. Basically: The subject matter is awful shit. Shit that should not have existed at that time, yet did. And still does in ways. That said, it’s a good film. Really good. Good filming, good acting, good narrative. Good. About bad.

The Hobbit 2: Mithril Boogaloo! - The Desolation Of Smaug - While I still think that the whole Hobbit Trilogy thing is going WAY TOO FAR, this was a very enjoyable watch. After the crushing disappointment that was the first Hobbit film, this was really something different. It didn’t drag as much, it didn’t feature ridiculous JOKE CHARACTERS HIP-HEY (though the joke character from the last film returned, they seemed a lot more natural this time), it didn’t HURT TO WATCH, and had some pretty great scenes and working 3D. There were still some scenes which were filmed like cheap sitcoms from the 90s (you know the one I mean!), but it made up for it by having more REALLY REALLY COOL scenes. Uh… Still missed a bunch of marks, adaptation-wise. But I can forgive this movie for it’s faults because overall, IT WAS FUN. Also Smaug is pretty awesome. (SPOILER ALERT: SMAUG IS FUCKING RAD)

Coraline - Rewatched this little gem by Laika. And while I was less taken aback then the first time, it’s still a beautiful, wonderful and exciting film. And even though it’s stop-motion it often seems more alive than some Hollywood blockbusters. ALSO THE DESIGNS ARE SO COOOL. Um. Yeah. Good film. Only nitpick is that it has a few flow hiccups here and there. But those are barely noticeable.

Oblivion - I had roughly the same reaction to this as I did to Gravity, only difference being, this opinion stayed with me for years. Only a few positive words from Half In The Bag managed to finally spark my interest in it. And you know what? I’m glad I watched it. It has a great concept, looks awesome and has some pretty dang cool acting (also Tom Cruise, even if he is a dipshit IRL, he’s a good actor… Ya know? It’s just truth.). Um. Yeah. Good slow-moving, myserious sci-fi. Definite recommender.

Looper - Weird film. Time-travel is often strange. It was a big-thing a while back, as I recall. It’s uh… A decent sci-fi thing. But yeah, weird. Also rather cliche overall. But a good-ish watch.

The English Patient - Oh… Oh this one’s good. A slow, tragic-as-hell story from WW2 on the African front. It’s a deep thing. And feels very bookish (was based on a book, as I found out after a google). But maaan… What a good film. I was quite devastated after watching it, still kind of am.

Black Mirror - Not a real film-film. But a trio of short-films. Visions of the future. And some seriously good (and scarily close) sci-fi.
Cube 2 | Hypercube - Cube is still one of the best surprises I ever came across film-wise. I had no knowledge of it and randomly watched a shoddy stream of it. AND IT WAS GREAT. This caused great sadness while watching Cube DOS. Because this sequel is shit. Absolutely horrible early-millenial bullfucking shit. The list: Shitty (and I mean horrid) CGI and bluescreening. Completely bullshit and incomprehensible plot without any flow, tension, or point. Even the ending was so horridly unsatisfying and STUPID (Spoilers: Suddenly there’s a macguffin that was apparently important and which is first mentioned and shown literal minutes before the credits. Also new names which make NO SENSE or bear no relevance are constantly introduced like “OH YEAH THIS GUY IS LIKE A BIG DEAL FOR SOME REASON BECAUSE UH PLOT?!” and then never mentioned again. I was about to tear out my fucking hair, really. Wow. Also: NOTHING that made the original so good is featured in the film, absolutely zilch. Except for the titular “cubes”. Wow.
Cube Zero - THIS sequel on the other hand was thoroughly enjoyable. And though it felt really cheap and stupid, it was great. The mood was shifted from deadly seriousness to a bit more Gilliam-ish dark humor, in itself not a bad thing though it does clash heavily with the original, and it introduced some weird/stupid concepts and things. But really overall, good film. Also I really want to see more “Death operators” in horror. The people behind the screens of all the grief for the poor horror-element-fodder. Cabin In The Woods and Cube Zero are so far the only movies that have done this and in both it was amazing. So I’m sad it doesn’t happen more often.
Back to watching stuff! (and studying my butt off)
Nirdian writes another bunch of shitty reviews and YOU CAN’T STOP HIM!

Heh, talking in the third person. 

Anyway, here we go. As usual, from memory. 


The Dark Knight Rises: Nolan did it again! Third and final movie of the series. And while it may (I have to find out when I get it on DVD) not be as brilliant as The Dark Knight (ok, that title is really annoying, massive miss there, Nolan) it’s still a brilliant piece of work. I was especially impressed by the way the film is cut (reminds me a lot of George R. R. Martin’s style of cutting scenes) and by the outstanding and real effects. From the looks of it there was stunningly little CGI involved, an aspect it shared with its predecessor (they did actually blow up an entire ‘hospital’ building right?). Anyway, great story, lovely acting, superb camerawork, yadda yadda. It’s great, go watch it. 

Brave: OH MY GOD THE SCOTTISH ACCENTS HOLY WOW SO COOL! I just love it when you encounter unusual accents in film. Beyond that also a really good, solid story, lovely visuals and animation, good humor and all other things Pixar is known for. A thing that bugged me were a plothole or two here and there and a really interesting aspect that was grossly underutilized (to the extent that I really hope there’s an extended cut, I mean jeez guys). 

Now what else did I watch… OH YEAH!

Mission Impossible II: IT’S HILARIOUS! OH MY GOD! If you’ve seen Mission Impossible, you know how gritty and tense and such it is. There’s intrigues everywhere and moles and people dying and also a good dash of action. It is a proper thriller though. The sequel on the other hand… Oh my. EXPLOSIONS EVERYWHERE! None of it makes sense and all of it’s hilarious once you figure out that NONE OF IT MAKES ANY SENSE! My brother and I just sat through the last hour laughing at everything and everyone and making silly sound effects to everything that happened. I don’t know whose idea this new direction was but holy crap! So um, yeah. I’d say watch it, but just like decanonize it or something. 

Mission Impossible IV - A New Hope Ghost Protocol: Eh. I think MI3 was better. Still though, a good movie and Simon Pegg is great in this one as well (btw MI3 and MI4 go back to the style of the first movie). Also there’s Jeremy Renner, who was in just about everything this year (Probably because pretty much everyone is sexually attracted to him). 

Attack The Block: Actually, I’m pretty sure I did this one already… Anywho, it’s a great little film. The ending could have, with only very minor changes been a bit better, but that’s really my only nitpick. I mean, come on, you just CAN’T GO WRONG with a movie that looks awesome and convincing with GlowtoothSpaceGorillaWolves and does so without the use of pretty much a single CGI effect (there’s like, maybe 2, tops). 

Chronicle: Now while I’m pretty darn CERTAIN I reviewed this one already as well. I’m just gonna a do it again to be ABSOLUTELY SURE: It’s a great and creative film.   Just watch it if you get the chance. (yayminireview!)

What else did I watch… OH YEAH! 

A Clockwork Orange: You know a movie is really fucking awesome when 3 hours feel like about 30 minutes. And anyway, it’s a Kubrick Classic! 

Hit & Run: Coming out in cinemas today, I managed to get stuck in a pre-premiere of it through a Monday Mystery Movie. GUYS! DON’T WATCH IT! IT IS BAD! Wait for it to drop on cable or just download it somewhere if you absolutely MUST see it. Granted: They had a great concept and some good elements, but the final product is bland, boring, racist (oh god so many horribly bad stereotype jokes!) and just a waste of money. 

And now for something completely different.

Tekkonkinkreet: Gorgeous! This movie is, in one word, simply gorgeous. It’s got lush and colorful setpieces, amazing animation and a pinch of surrealism and psychological horror. It is a wonderful experience. One that you just need to take in and don’t question. In another word: Beautiful

Final to do list before I pass out for today - Movies I MUST watch ASAP:

- ParaNorman

- Cabin in the Woods

- Moonrise Kingdom

- Iron Giant (rewatch, tough it’s been like 10 years)

- Full Metal Jacket

- Total Recall (both of ‘em, for shits and giggles mainly)

- Seven Psychopaths

- American Psycho (book goes first though!)

Just saw a pre-premiere of Hit & Run…

I don’t quite know if "written by Dax Shepard" cuts it in terms of describing how bad/good this movie is… 


Mainly, it’s incohesive. The introduction lasts for roughly half the movie. The characters are presented at random. There is nothing that really tells you whether it’s  a serious film with comedic scenes or a proper comedy, because the two moods just completely shift at random. And they’re (literally) just driving back and forth throughout the entire damn film.

It also had just about ONE actual good joke (as in where you could hear laughter from the audience), which was then quickly milked and thereby stomped into nothingness… Oh, and (spoiler alert) if you want to get rid of someone tailing you in a car chase you DO NOT attempt this on am empty airfield! 


I guess that’s the chance you take with a Monday Mystery Movie… It can be, say, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, 21 Jump Street, Chronicle, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, OR you can get stuck with something like Hit & Run… 

Looks like The Cabin in the Woods does not have a Norwegian release date.


Almost watched a Prometheus trailer… 

Managed to abort juuuust in time. 


Trailers I’m not watching: 

  • Drive
  • Chronicle
  • Prometheus
  • Brave (already watched a really spoilerriffic japanese one, shit)